Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
dads on road-trips be like
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.