Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
You Might Also Like
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
all bases covered
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.