I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
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[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Meanwhile in Portland…
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.