Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
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He鈥檚 making a list, he鈥檚 checking it twice, he鈥檚 leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever鈥檚 the most difficult to make
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I鈥檓 getting my period
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Paper cut-outs of coins don鈥檛 work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I鈥檓 the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 馃厛馃劸馃厔 馃劮馃劥馃劙馃厑馃劤 馃劮馃劯馃劶.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Yep, it’s true馃憞馃徏馃槀馃槀馃槀
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*