We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
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So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*