Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Who does Amazon think I am?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.