Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off