I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I created you as mosquito food.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….