Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
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Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
yes… yes…
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
No chill.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
The answer is funnier than the question
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.