Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife