Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
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Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?