Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
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People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
If snakes were wide
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.