You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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fair
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
pep talk
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.