Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
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National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I am all good here, 😂😉
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
We avoided this particular disaster
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job