I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
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[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Just a phase…
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Dammit Chief not again
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.