Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?