*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.