Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.