[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
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“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Rambo Rambow
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Happy thanksgiving
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.