Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
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Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Good news
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Y’all know who you are.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”