With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
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You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.