My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
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When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”