“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
You Might Also Like
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
new year update: losing everything but weight
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?