addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
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“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!