Why I divorced her.
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Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.