4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Sunday
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?