Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
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January is lasting longer than my marriage
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots