[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
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You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back