What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
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Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…