Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.