im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.