There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
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cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
*looks at you in batman voice*
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan