I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
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McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
She puts the hot in psychotic
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.