Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
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Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.