Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.