[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
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If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
How does one answer this?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS