HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
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OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.