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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
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Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!