[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
You Might Also Like
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”