My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this