No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
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ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You