After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
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[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.