Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge