No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Lmao
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.