We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
ready to be harvested
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it