Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
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Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
got so much cardio in today
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*