You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.