The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
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Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My typo game is string.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I identify as an antique shop.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”