Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
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Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
…u ok Nintendo?
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there