I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Y’all ready for this
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
no regrets
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?